SEXUALITY, GOD'S GIFT, PART 6 - For the Men

Boaz Ministries 

A Husband’s Sexual Surrender

God has uniquely fashioned the man and the woman so that we are very different; not only different in the biological sense, but different in our makeup. Husbands tend to respond very quickly; wives are not as quickly stimulated and not by the same kinds of things. We have heard it said by some that men and women are mismatched, sexually speaking. And so we are, by divine design. There is a level of mutual satisfaction that cannot be reached without real love. In this sense, biblical sex is “making love.”  (Bob Diffenbaugh, “Sex and the Spiritual Christian,” www.bible.org, 2004) And love is manifested in sacrifice. Only as both the husband and the wife sacrifice their own interests (sexually speaking) is the other satisfied. Sacrificial servant-hood is the key to Spirit-filled sex.

We are not just talking about some kind of technique, which, if followed, brings maximum pleasure to the one who employs it. The husband should be sensitively attuned to his wife, seeking to bring her fulfillment. But this is not just because it is the way he will find his own fulfillment. Love-making in marriage seeks to bring pleasure to one’s spouse at one’s own expense. There is a lot of talk about “maximum sex,” but sex should never be approached selfishly as the means to the ultimate goal of self-satisfaction. “Taking up one’s cross” applies in the board room and in the bedroom. 

Husbands, sexual surrender starts with the understanding that for our wives, sexual oneness flows best out of emotional oneness. A husband’s sexual surrender doesn’t mean denying our sexual nature. We’ve already said that a man’s sex drive is God-inspired, and God-given. Sexual surrender means understanding and cooperating with rather than working against our wives’ sexual nature. The following is a list of insights to ponder and practice, from Author/Blogger Scott Means, “Monday Man Up – Journey to Surrender, the Bridal Paradigm,” www.surrenderedmarriage.org ,2011:

1.      Don’t accuse her of being sexually cold just because she isn’t constantly after your body the way you are after hers.

2.      Develop or enhance your romantic nature in order to satisfy your wife’s desire for emotional intimacy. It’s not acceptable to simply say “I’m not the romantic type.” Find your own way of romantic expression and emotional connection, but find it just the same. She needs this from you.

3.      Scripturally, the “rights” to your wife’s body belongs to you. Likewise, she has the rights to yours. (1 Cor 7:3-4). For me these verses speak more to mutual sexual fulfillment than simply to the act of sex. Viewing these verses through the lens of surrender implies that you must focus more on fulfilling her desires than on demanding that yours be met.

4.      Sexual surrender implies cherishing and nurturing your wife’s sexuality as your own. “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” (Eph 5:28-29) Make sure you are feeding and caring for your wife’s sexual nature, not crushing and reshaping it for your own self-satisfaction.

5.      Part of your sexual surrender includes loving your wife “as if.” Meaning, even though your nature is to require sexual satisfaction in order to feel and act emotionally connected to your wife, the challenge is that you give yourself emotionally and romantically to your wife “as if” you are already completely satisfied sexually. In other words, you go first in surrendering.

Surrender in the sexual arena can be among the more difficult aspects of a couple’s marital experience. Sex is not only an emotionally charged topic that comes with all kinds of historical baggage, but dealing with it requires vulnerability and trust. Regardless, we encourage you to face your sexual surrender head on, with confidence, love and grace, no matter where you are in your sexual relationship. There is always room for more sexual intimacy in your marriage. Men, if we want to deepen sexual intimacy in our marriages, we must lead the way!