Who is the woman in my attic, really?

About 15 years ago, I was a member of several poetry board groups online. It was an exciting and new experience because I'd never before shared any of my poems outside my immediate family. Back then, writers online had "screen names" - some were very clever. I just went by my middle name, "Alyce" (a dressed up 'Alice', pronounced a-leese - my parents' doing).

Alyce found an audience in that cyber world that I never knew existed. And through the sharing of ideas and poetry, there was an acceptance - and respect among the published and unpublished - that was extremely comforting and affirming. It was a different life from my 'real world.' Like many individuals then and now, I became distracted by the lure of nearly real -time interactions.

Being a novice and newcomer to IT - I almost lost my way. The creative community online was so vast and fiercely talented - I didn't see how, by tiny increments, I was slipping away from God's plan for me. But what I've come to know about God is, He will use our current location and some designated people in it, to bring us back to safety....

I split into multiple personalities during that time; this made writing very comfortable and pleasant for me. Alyce was one of my personas, and the primary speaker in most of my work back then. She was the one who told it like it was - she was the 'lover' - not confrontational or profane. She was the sensible one. There were a few times when Alyce would speak about and refer to me in the 3rd person (e.g. "Cleaning Out Bridgette's Closet" and "She Doesn't Cry on Paper") - though I never published a word under my first name (mysterious, maybe; cowardly, probably!).  There was also "Hadassah". She erupted from a rebellious mood - and I've always liked that name. But Hadassah was bawdy and sensuous - and the very opposite of what one would expect from someone with a biblical moniker. I also experimented with writing as a man - from a male's perspective.I dubbed 'him', "Hasan Raheem"(not original, grant it - but, it was the 2000s ha!). And it worked extremely well. None of the readers were the wiser. I surprised myself at how adept I was at thinking/writing like a man!

As a poet, I won a few awards, honorable mentions and "poet of the month" recognitions, and appeared on stage at spoken word venues. It was more underground than anything, but some legitimate writers encouraged me to publish. At that time, the "fans" were enjoying my series of poems titled, "The Woman in My Attic".  It was the logical choice for my debut title. But that wasn't to be. My writing had begun to take another direction, and at the end of seven years, "Come, Joy!" emerged. It was the culmination of work I hadn't even been planning to publish; but I'd been writing it all along. That was all God, I tell you!

I realized, in 2005, that all of the writing I'd done and published online during the earlier years, was just tiny drops in the bucket of God's plan for me. And I knew then, that I wouldn't publish again until He gave me His 'OK'.  My mind was fixed; my life was being transformed. I would no longer write of the sensuous, the earthy, the carnal and the angry.  God had given me a testimony, my own life, full of its ups and downs, successes and failures - and present hope, joy, forgiveness and LOVE - and THAT is what I'm to share whenever I write.

When I visited my daughter in California recently, with my son, we talked about this blog. And I explained to them that the woman in my attic is most certainly me; but she's who I hope to be, years from now. She's older, wiser, and waiting to impart further wisdom in a book of memoirs, if the Lord agrees.