Friends, A surprising discovery

I remember when my middle child, Angela, came home from Kindergarten and announced that she'd been selected to be another little girl's best friend. While I thought that was very cute, it occurred to me much later that even though the girls seemed to get along well, Angela really had not chosen her new best friend. She told me later on, "No, Mom! She came up to me, grabbed me by the hand and told me- 'you're my best friend'"! I laughed because my daughter looked so helpless...shrugging her shoulders, as if she just didn't have a choice. Well, I know that wouldn't have been the way she would have selected a new friend - but it turned out well. The two girls remained close, and our families friendly enough, all through high school. Throughout the years, Angela has formed many friendships, especially in college; and she keeps in contact with the high school crew as well. They remain tight and engaged in each others' lives.

Reminds me of myself, with one difference...I'm not in touch with my crew anymore. Facebook has helped me reconnect with some key friends from the past, which has been great. However, when I was going through school, I seemed to make friends very easily. (to be redefined later). I had quite an assorted collection, matter of fact. My mother always called me "the social butterfly." And the direct opposite of herself, as she was painfully shy and had no girlfriends in school. It was to the point where, when I got married, I absolutely had to have ALL my girlfriends as bridesmaids. They were all seven of my "best girls!" And to cut the cattiness out completely, I chose my one and only younger sister as my maid of honor. Nobody could argue with that.

As the years rolled by, life happened and I've lost touch with a few of my girls. We would sometimes weave in and out of contact because of a social gathering of mutual friends, but for the most part - we went our separate ways. I'd find new friends on jobs, and we'd hang pretty tough, even after moving on to other employment opportunities...but just like high school and college... a job brings people together who might not otherwise associate with one another. And after that experience is over, many times, so is the friendship.

I've learned something about this friendship thing, however. In order to have friends, you must cultivate relationships. One of my running buddies from back in the party era, confronted me, telling me that I wasn't a good friend because I didn't pay attention... I wasn't present. There were times when I just wasn't available. She said I let her down and that wasn't a good friend. (I had moved to another city and it was hard to make plans to hang out...I was married, she was single....things had changed). Obviously, she and I had very little in common anymore, but what she said about my not being a good friend, stuck with me. And I began to pay attention to how I interacted with people. I have to say that my first successful attempt at being a true friend happened unexpectedly over about 5 years of having the same "desk mate" at work. We started kinda rocky - I had to figure out whether or not I liked her brand of sarcasm, and she had to decide if I was genuine or fake. We gradually found that we were more alike than not, and grew very protective of one another. It was wonderful to have a co-worker you could trust in an unfriendly work environment. (administratively speaking)

This friend from the job became my confidante, and I was hers... we shared, prayed, rejoiced, commiserated and played together. She, too, discovered her voice and began to write. And it was she who encouraged me to publish my book of poetry - she even poured over the manuscript and "found the journey". This woman put it into the four chapters that became my debut title, "Come, Joy! Songs from the soft of night" (PublishAmerica, 2005) I made special mention of her in my acknowledgements. She was there at my book signings...she was my cheerleader, my real sista/friend. A down white girl...a devoted wife, loving mother and generous grandmother...she was all that. She's still all that, but I left that job and have had at least 2 more jobs!  We haven't been in touch lately, but when we have seen each other... nothing has changed except our ages...

With each work experience, I have added one special friendship who, indeed, makes up the "great ones" in my life. I wrote a poem titled "My Ladies of the Circle" (Come, Joy!) which describes the specialness of my unit at work - an unusual phenomenon; women who got along in the workplace. I've had some outa sight friendships with women, especially in my later years. It's now a much smaller, more refined circle. And I find that there is an assignment that I have in their lives, and they, in mine. This is probably why the circle is so small - the circle being the friends who are soul to soul with me.  I've discovered that everybody who considers me their friend, is not really my friend. That sound crazy?  Just that, people have different definitions of friendship. They still get it confused with the word acquaintance. And I have a bajillion of those.

I appear, at first and second blush (and maybe even third blush), outgoing, approachable, personable, caring, even. (this is what I've been told, so please don't get it twisted). But I know better. I know that I'd rather be home alone with my laptop, a book, and a good movie lineup, than out with folks who just want to keep from being bored. Today, I was commanded to spend time with a lady (who was also a co-worker once upon a time) - because I now have "no excuse". (I'm  a widow...must mean I'm lonely...??) To be fair, we used to have a pretty good relationship. But as it happens, she made choices that I didn't agree with, but still provided my support. That roller coaster existence weighed her support group down and later rendered her alienated from the fold. Now she needs to get out, she needs to have fun, and we need to explore what "best girlfriends" do together, now that she's left that no good man! Imagine my surprise! She thinks we're best girlfriends!!!!!! (or maybe that's what she wants to grow into) Reminded me of my daughter being chosen back in Kindergarten. She was very young, new at school, and though startled, she melded right into the bossiness of her new "best friend".

I have a choice. And I've had a taste of  how the crazy mix of time and circumstances, seasons, reasons and lifetime come together to grow us into teaching/learning relationships with others. People touch our lives differently, specially.. some, indelibly, permanently. There are precious ones in my life I've only met through the internet... who I call friend. My real friends ebb and flow with me, and have throughout my life. The person I call my BFF is a woman I've known since 4th grade; we were roommates in college...and only see each other once in a blue moon. But whenever we do, we pick up right where we left off and have a BLAST going down memory lane ... making new memories for the next time. She's supported all my events, I support hers...our families are still tight. We live only 30 minutes from each other...but if and when we need one another, we're right there. Another roomie from college holds that place in my life as well.  It's a heart thing, an understanding...an unspoken thing. No demands.

My self-discovery is this - I'm rather exclusive. And sometimes, reclusive. Maybe as I've gotten older, I've become more of an introvert like my mother. I can't help it...and I try to make sure there is balance; I will hang with folks sometimes. I can call upon that "social butterfly" if need be. The truth is I MEET PEOPLE EASILY, and my tolerance level isn't as high as it once was.  Friend. This "F" word means too much to me for it to be loosely utilized. So many people play fast and loose - with everything. (I'm sure I've been in that category once or twice)  These days, we need to be much more discriminating. As a rule I don't try to deceive anyone. I come straight; something that came with maturity. And my nature is not to ignore, snub, or be rude.  However, I find there are times I have to be firm, and I can work the heck out of being "unavailable"(learned that move from my father!). I'm old enough and reserve the right to indulge my idiosyncrasies... but never do I intentionally hurt others. (ergo, I love my seclusion)

Two of my favorite lines for people who call and begin to rake me over the coals for not calling them in so many weeks go something like this:"Oh! Well I am SO glad YOU called ME!"  ,and ,"I'm so sorry you're distressed. My real friends know how we do; whenever we feel the need to talk, we just pick up the phone and holla...no guilt trips necessary...and I'm glad you called." (there's usually a pregnant pause followed by some lame comment. But if they do call again, they don't go there with me!) Friends are important. And good friends are hard to come by. I've been blessed with a few great ones in my life. Two have passed away, never to be replaced. And those who remain are the genuine article. It is a pleasure to serve them in love in the same manner. Everybody just can't fill that spot!