New Beginnings

waking from dreams full of the familiar,
the breath against my cheek
the sound of my name reaching my ears
on the last syllable (every time!)
the funny little snicker that would erupt
into full out laughter
the song sung a capella
the harmony, finally 


waking from dreams that keep me
tethered sweetly by a silken tie
to yesterdays and loved ones now gone
pushes me forward
gives me strength
brings me peace


and hope
and hope....so much hope

waking from visions that do their
nocturnal dance above my head
reminds me of things I always
want to remember
the loved ones with me now
this joy in the present tense
who I really am
and who I strive to be



and Who is guiding me
each day when I
awake

© Copyright 2011

Maudlin, never

I read the Poet's words,
his eulogy for a friend
well, that was the subtitle
otherwise I might not have known

the Poet weaved syllables turned
golden phrases, transporting me to
a time I had not shared with them, yet

I was there

As I looked on
the tears came, and welled in the corners
of my eyes,
stubborn...unwilling to run down my face
my cheeks burned,
the beauty of the words blurred
my sight, but too late to shield them from my heart

this beating thing within my chest
leaped out... more than sympathy
more like kinship...we'd both lost someone

for days I'd been struggling for words
to accompany me in my own time of grief
yea, in this season of mourning

sometimes not caring about trite expressions,
dangling participles and the like
knowing nothing reasonable rhymes with death....

other times, concerned my cathartic release
would be mawkish, miserable, and futile
impotent....unworthy of the ink,

But the Poet's narrative drew me inside
the final moments of the last time he saw his friend

and touched every part of all the things
I wanted to say

© 2011

Inspired by Poet Kalamu Ya Salaam

Walking in my calling

What you have to know is, I'm not a denomination kinda gal. I'm a believer, looking forward to the second coming of Christ. I also believe the 7th day, Saturday, is the Sabbath. It was established during creation week, long before there were Hebrews/Jews. And there is all kinds of evidence that the seventh-day Sabbath observance was changed to Sunday, by man. And the New Testament account (1 Corinthians 16:2) that offering was to be taken up for the poor on the first day of the week, does not prove that Sunday was now the holy day, sanctified by God. It was the day Paul was coming through to pick up the funds! I could go on and on about how many continue to misinterpret Colossians 2:16, "Let no man therefore judge you in meat, or in drink, or in respect of an holyday, or of the new moon, or of the sabbath days". (all must be understood within the cultural context, no one in Jesus' or Paul's day was recognizing/observing the first day as the Lord's Sabbath)  Add to that, there is Biblical support through the prophecies in Daniel, that man would change times and laws. And man did just that. Now, most of "Christiandom" recognizes the first day as God's holy day, for a variety of reasons. (and many go to church on whatever day simply because it's tradition/habit).

Having said all that, I was given the opportunity to teach a new believers' class of youth who have recently been baptized into the SDA church. For those who aren't familiar with that denomination, Seventh day Adventists are a Christian church who believe in the second coming of Christ, and they worship on Saturday, the seventh-day. I was born and raised in that church, but through intense Bible study and prayer, I found that I  honestly could not embrace all of the traditions and teachings of that denomination. However, where their teachings agree with the Bible, I agree with them ( and any other church, for that matter). There are some fundamental things of the SDA church that prevent me from labeling myself an Adventist any longer.  But I can't stress enough how GRATEFUL I am for parents who took me to church and got me started on the path to a relationship with Christ! If I had to give myself a label, I'm a Sabbath-keeping, Bible- believing, Jesus Christ-loving, daughter of the King! It was a wonder to me, since the pastor of that church knew he'd be rocking the boat with some of his more conservative members by asking me to teach "new believers" because: 1) I believe there are remnant people who may attend church; I do not believe the remnant church is an institution/denomination; 2) I believe there are people of God who have never and may never step foot inside a church 3) I believe there's a counterfeit church in full effect, causing multitudes to be led astray ("churchianity"). The pastor actually agrees with me on all three points, however, he's a "company man" and can't be as radical as I.

When he asked me to teach this class of new believers, I knew the answer was "yes". I had one condition - that our only source of study would be the Bible, and not the denomination's "study materials." When he agreed, it was a done deal! The mission is to show the young people how the Bible has answers to all their life's questions; how the Word of God is relevant to their daily lives. The focus is to help them strengthen their love relationship with Jesus Christ.

As I've blogged before, I'm involved in a Skype Bible study every weekend. It's a blessing to my soul every time we meet and I come away with wonderful insights shared by the other members. I know this is what I'm called to do. So when the pastor asked me if I would consider mentoring the youth, helping them grow in their knowledge of the Word of God, and their relationship with Christ, I smiled inside.

God has His way of letting us know what He wants us to do. I've learned to listen for His voice. It comes in many forms. Sometimes it's confirmation from another person speaking a word of truth, and sometimes it's Scripture that comes to mind....and sometimes, it's a pastor, who was agonizing over whether or not to even approach me, finally asking me the question.

There is absolutely nothing more gratifying than knowing what your purpose is in life. And you have to know, this process has been a long, long road. I am happy to assist people in their walk with the Lord. It will certainly help me with my own.

She used to love it here

when it was new territory
a place to be pioneers
raise children in safety

where the air was clean
and the stars came out every night
presenting themselves to be
counted... to her son's delight

she used to love 
the walks to the
great mound where she sat
while her children played
until the magnificent
setting of the sun


she used to love
the quiet neighborhoods
where every street
was a road less traveled

stop signs, traffic lights
hardly needed to function
almost 20 years ago

almost 20 years ago
when life was simpler
no sirens blaring, no helicopters
searching
when the hearth
inside the house
warmed the two plus their three

today she sits, in reverie
she used to love it here

© Copyright 2011

The Woman in My Attic

she takes liberties
in the nooks and
crannies
of my house

she interrupts my dreams

creeping among the
cobwebs of my old
forgotten things

bringing back
postcard pictures
of
places I've never
been

whispering old wives tales
  'bout folks I’ve never seen

her vanity is
shady…

she admires
her odd reflection in
a broken mirror
brushing away the dust

until my vision
of her
grows clearer

sometimes,

I close down shop,
lock up
and
shut all
the house lights
out

with a quickness
she’ll strike
a match,
light a candle

and  keep on roaming
about

her incessant
noises
  hinder me
from
sleeping

she's up turning over
boxes of wishes,
spilling
promises not worth
keeping

she angers me
& frightens me
& always
makes me
cry

she’ll only hint at
answers
when I ask
the question
“why?”

but
she carries all my
secrets tucked
inside her
matted hair

and
there’s a certain
comfort knowing
she's watching

from up
there 

© Copyright 2001

The Online Skype Bible Study LOVE Experience

Well this is going on month three since our online Bible study began. It was an idea that came about in 2009, when my late husband, Lamont, and his cousin, Donald, got together via telephone every Sabbath (Saturday) morning to discuss the Bible and other things. They'd be talking by cell phone, and run so long that their batteries would go dead! Then they'd pick up their land lines to continue, while charging their cells. It was great to watch. Sometimes I'd be involved, on speaker. Just being in the vicinity of the Word being studied and examined, was a beautiful thing.

For several years, the Wynn family had been hosting Bible studies in our home, on Friday nights and Sabbath. And we had also been part of a ministry that met from house to house, as the Apostles did in the early church (book of Acts). From those experiences, we knew that we were called to fellowship with believers who truly wanted to seek what thus saith the Lord, in spirit and in truth - without all the fanfare of mega church environments, and the staid ritualism of traditional churches. And, a family of believers was cultivated....it was a beautiful time. But we also learned some things we know we were meant to learn about people's motives in being involved in ministries. In just about everything we undertake with partners, etc, there are those whose hearts are not fully committed to the work of the Lord...nor following the Word of the Lord. I firmly believe that every single thing that took place during that time had to happen in order to open our eyes, and teach us important lessons. Lessons that would help us recognize when the Holy Spirit is driving the plan, not man's ego.

Which brings me back to what's happening now. Cousin Donald and I, and a few others, meet faithfully every Sabbath morning for prayer, worship, and Bible study. I also meet one-on-one with another believer on Sunday mornings.  The topic is LOVE, and we are exploring how believers are to treat one another (by the POWER of God's Spirit), in a real and practical way. Needless to say we'll be on this subject for quite some time. It's the theme of the entire Bible - as Donald said...you can find a love application in every context...OT and NT...

Truth is, the Lord knew, because of His omniscience, that we'd get the "laws" down, and be all about the "dos and don'ts"...(I call it checklist religion). And He also knew the biggest difficulty for us would be getting along with one another...caring for the brethren (and the "sistren") with UNFEIGNED (unpretentious) love (1 Peter 1:21-22). He knew we'd need His help; in order to get His help, we have to be in LOVE with Him. Being in LOVE with Him is also something that's just not natural for us. Those of us who believe, realize we are love challenged, preferring to indulge ourselves and engage with people who say they love us. It's a serious stretch for most of us to LOVE someone we can't even see!

So I meet with the group on a group call and we read, share, pray and testify. We encourage and pray for one another.  It's a beautiful feeling, being able to carry out an idea born almost two years ago. I am learning more about myself and my own need to put aside petty issues and attitudes. The love experience, in my humble opinion, begins when we ask God to search our hearts and show us what needs changing (Psalm 139)...now that's a toughie. But that's what it will take to really know how to LOVE! (but don't take my word for it....see John 14, emphasis on 21-23)

Blessings!

The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion

I thought it fitting that, at 3:39 a.m. PST, I should take time to write something current. A break from my obsessive, albeit nostalgic, ransacking of my poetry archives, posting away as if the old "hope chest" really holds some gems. (My muse is back, but I'm letting his promptings marinate till the time is write- misspelled purposely)

If you haven't read it, I urge you to get a copy of Joan Didion's magical account of her life and its abrupt change when her husband, writer, John Gregory Dunne, passed away...She chronicles a year and a day, in amazingly wonderful word pictures, that I believe is important to all of us. As humans, one thing is certain once we survive the birth canal - we'll die one day. The book is not morbid by any means. An accomplished writer herself, Ms. Didion manages to edify, entertain, and engage the reader at once; so much so it's hard to tear oneself away.

I was given the CD (4 in the case) as a gift by my parents, last year - a few months after the sudden death of my husband. I wasn't ready to hear it at that time. My heart was still too tender, and from what I heard of the first two chapters - the author's experience mirrored my own, down to emotions, thoughts (verbatim, mind you!), and of course, the questions. But I knew I'd find my way back to it in the fullness of time. And when I tell you that I devoured those CDs, please believe me! I became so engrossed by the details, the literary references (Ms. Didion is an exquisite literary source and drove me to "Google" and other resources that enabled me to thoroughly appreciate the nuances and augment the contexts). I had a field day discovering quotes from plays, movies and books I haven't seen or read (that are now on my "must have" list), and philosophers, psychologists...all from the extensive research Didion immersed herself in while going through the grieving process. Her book was a source of confirmation and yet another conduit through which I am now realizing my own heart's healing. (and I thought I was doing pretty well through my spiritual convictions and Faith). "The Year of Magical Thinking" accelerated my progress.

I shall now get the hard copy...and read it cover to cover. I shall savor it, turning the pages as I anticipate the morsels of wisdom born of rich life experiences; the good, bad and horrific.  And I am moved to gather up my notes to myself, and put them in order to chronicle my own passage from married 31 years to widow, suddenly, when things were going so well and life was high in the clouds. Ms. Didion inspired me, lit a fire in my soul. I can say of a surety that I have lived a MIRACLE year from the day my husband died, May 8, 2010, to this day...strange as that may seem. It's nothing but the truth.

My Romance is

...folding into the
perfect heat of
our mocha skin tight spoon

... counting stars as they
appear in the absence
of the moon

...listening to our
music, singing
in and out of tune

...the exquisite butterflies
I feel when
we'll be together soon

my romance is simply:


I need nothing
more than all of
you inside our
love cocoon

2005 © Copyright

Pinocchio, remix

one quiet night...
he escaped from gipetto's shop
in search of adventure

the whole wide world
looked so new...exciting
inviting him at every corner
to wander the darkened alleys
and slip almost anonymously
into rooms with trap doors
and cryptic addresses where real
people hid behind clever masks

he engaged in fantasies and
dreamlike pleasures he'd never
known... and with every
encounter they highly praised him
for how long he'd grown

but he never soul~ touched
and he couldn't cry
couldn't feel the pain
of a hurtful lie

his little wooden heart
continued to roam
from site to site
night after night

he found it safer
just being a toy
instead of becoming
a real live boy

2002© Copyright

Can't Poet the Pain Away

i have no words
for the sorrow

when touching
is like fingernails
peeling back
fresh wounds
on tender skin

when keeping
out is as painful
as coming in

& k-i-s-s-i-n-g
is a cruel
reminder
of what rhymes
with
"m-i-s-s-i-n-g"

ooh how it hurts to feel
a broken heart

and so hard not
to caress the
damaged part

we try to predict
but so
uncertain
of the next day

...whether it finds us
standing or
blown ...completely away

yet still close
enough to
remember

the holding
and sharing
and the shifting
blame...

the loving
then the learning
we're not the same

tho sweetly
tied by offspring
and this good name

(intended for ever
not just to borrow)
 

aah! 

i just can't find words
for the sorrow

© Copyright 2005